Do you have a situation that you’re not sure how to handle?  Do you have a question that you can’t find the answer to?  Then ask the expert!  Lora Brawley, owner of AllAboutNannyCare.com, takes on your challenges in this section.  If you’d like your question answered online, you can submit it here.  By submitting a question, you agree to allow your question to be posted and archived on AllAboutNannyCare.com and used in other Brawley & Associates publications. 

 

Current Question

Q.  When I first started this job, I agreed to babysit occasionally on Saturday nights so my employers could have a date night.  It started out as once every 2 or 3 months but recently has turned into every other week.  They’re a great family and fair about most things but I don’t want to give up my social life so they can have one.  How do I get out of this? 

A.  You’ve run into a common problem among nannies, setting and keeping professional boundaries.  You want to help out but you don’t want to feel taken advantage of.  To find a workable solution to the problem, you’ll need the input of your employers so a nanny / family meeting is required.  I know sitting down with your employers can be a nerve-wracking experience and it often seems easier to just let it go.  But with boundary issues such as this, letting it go doesn’t work long-term.  It only leads to resentment, frustration and an overall dissatisfaction with your job. 

 

Before you go into any nanny / family meeting, you need to be clear about what you want to accomplish during the meeting.  In this case, your goal is to agree on a Saturday evening babysitting schedule that works for both you and your employer.  The first step is to decide what schedule works for you.  What is your ideal schedule, once a month, once every 2 months?  If your ideal schedule doesn’t work for your employer, how much are you willing to compromise?  Asked another way, how often could you babysit without feeling taken advantage of?  Once every 4 weeks, once every 3 weeks?  When you know what your boundaries are, what you’re willing to do and what you’re not willing to do, it’s time to sit down with your employers. 

 

So what do you say during the meeting? 

Explain to them that while you enjoy being able to give them some extra couple time, with the increased number of Saturday nights you’ve been babysitting lately, you haven’t been giving yourself enough down time to relax and enjoy family and friends.   Emphasize that adequate down time is an important part of being a great caregiver for their child. 

Let them know what schedule you’d like to see put into place and find out what schedule they’d like to see put in place.  You’re negotiating so be open to what they have to say. 

Avoid being defensive.  Although you feel taken advantage of, your employer may honestly believe you’re fine with the current Saturday night schedule. 

Avoid blaming them for the problem.  Both you and your employers have a responsibility to accurately define the terms of your employment.  The responsibility for the miscommunication lies with both of you. 

Don’t apologize for asking for what you think is fair.  Like your employers, you have a right to have your needs meet within the employment relationship.

 

 

SAMPLE CONVERSATION

Nanny:  I’d like to talk to you about the Saturday evening babysitting schedule.  I really enjoy spending time with the kids and I’m happy to help you get some extra couple time in.  However, the Saturdays that I’ve been working have gone from one every 2 or 3 months to almost every other week.  I don’t feel I’m taking enough time for myself.  I’d like to come up with a schedule that works for both of us. 

Family:  Oh, we didn’t realize this was a problem.  We agreed to Saturday evening babysitting from the beginning.

Nanny:  Yes, you’re right, I did agree to occasionally babysit on Saturday evenings.  And I’m not trying to back out of that agreement.  Unfortunately, we didn’t specifically define “occasionally” during the interview and that’s what I’d like to do now.  I assumed occasionally would mean every other month or so but now I realize you assumed it would mean 2 times a month.  I think a fair compromise would be one Saturday a month.  That lets me balance my commitment to you and my need for personal time with friends and family.  Does that work for you?

Family:  Well, we didn’t have any particular schedule in mind.  We’ve just been going out when we’re able to find the time.  I’m not sure about once a month.  That will work for some months, but for other months we’ll want to go out more often.

Nanny:  I understand that once a month may not cover all the nights you’ll go out.  For the additional nights, I know of a few nannies who babysit on the side that I can put you in touch with.  That way, you’ll always have coverage. 

Family:  Alright.  If we have you for once a month, we can fill in any other nights we need. 

 

Yes, there are families that won’t comprise that easily and will require a harder stance and a bit more work.  But many families will surprise you.  Many families want their nanny to feel she’s treated fairly and if a problem is brought to their attention, will work with her to find a win-win solution. 

 

If you don’t have a comprehensive work agreement in place already, this is the perfect opportunity to develop one.  One of the primary functions of a work agreement is setting clear and definite boundaries so you can avoid situations like this altogether.  For more information on work agreements, please visit our A to Z Nanny Contract page.   

 

If you’d like to learn how to communication more effectively with your employers, I encourage you to take our free teleclass “Can We Talk?  solving nanny / family problems through assertive communication.  Visit our Nanny Education page for details.